Asking for Help – Please Share and Help Me Find My Sister

From one sister to another – may kismet be with you both.

When The Tables Turn

“Mr. Anderson, I’ve been expecting you.”

I honestly didn’t think it would be this soon that I’d be on the other side of the table.

It’s been less than a year and I’ve had to take up the role of co-interviewer to find an assistant for me.

It wasn’t so long ago that I was sitting in that chair. It feels strange, but I’ve been told that I’ve been playing the part very well. I swear that I am not a sadist, but at times I feel that I eat away at the candidates too. It’s been very interesting to say the least.

We’ve interviewed three people so far – one who was terribly overqualified, one horribly underqualified and the other, well let’s just say that communication isn’t her strong point. Though I could tell she was very intelligent, she was an Asian migrant who struggled to communicate efficiently. Unfortunately, communication is pretty much the whole point of our business. Otherwise, she had enough of the technical knowledge and skills to be part of the team.

I had to interview someone older than me, who decided that she wanted a career change after many years of working in a field for which she gained honors as a student. Go figure.

The last candidate was your typical graduate who had no work experience. Zip. Nada. Not even a short stint at a supermarket, or a part-time job. As you can imagine, it was quite difficult to get any useful answers out of him. We talked about his projects while he was studying, but it was a lost cause. I also felt a little bit of animosity because I’m 1) a woman, 2) East Asian, 3) almost the same age. And if anybody thinks that these things don’t matter or I’m just being sensitive probably isn’t a woman of East Asian descent who is in her 20’s.

No one likes being rejected, but I think it’s good that we were quick to let them know. Nothing is worse than stringing someone along with false hope if you have no intention of taking them in. That way, they can have a sense of closure and move on with their lives.

If I could say anything to these people, it would be to keep trying. Just because this shirt didn’t fit, doesn’t mean others won’t!

And as soon as this interviewing thing is over, I’ll be glad to go back to my seat. Or I could just flip the table.

Breaking the Code: Imposter Syndrome

You probably remember the case of the golden child, Jennifer Pan who became embroiled in a plot to murder her own parents. As a result of tiger parenting, it’s obvious that she had her own personal struggles. The heartbreaking part of the story is when her mother pleaded with her conspirators to not harm her child, and with that, her life was gone.

Actually Jennifer, though not a straight-A student, was gifted. Though I do not condone lying, she was intelligent. She knew what it took to get her parents to believe her and how to use this subterfuge to her advantage. She could have channelled that talent and intelligence into other activities – be in piano or some other creative endeavor. Living a lie is one of the ways that is sure to hurt you in the long run, as well as those around you.

Even though my parents have never been tigers, have I ever felt inferior at any point? Of course. They never placed a lot of pressure on me – mother would always (and still does) tell me to “do my best.” Her reasoning was that since that was all I could give, then there’s not much to be said or done after that. So quickly, I came to learn I should only be ashamed if I had not given it my all – the best of my ability within the circumstances at the time.

And from time to time, I still feel a little stupid, like I’m a massive failure that drags her heels instead of walking behind others ahead of her. Sometimes I can’t solve a problem and I know that at times, I have trouble letting things just go. These are one of those times where I’ll stare at the screen or paper for hours and feel like banging my head on the desk. Thoughts like, ‘Why haven’t you thought of anything yet? You’ve been sitting here for 4 hours,’ creep in. Then when I can do nothing but go home from work and think about it more, I get stressed about stress that hasn’t even occurred. And that’s exactly the wrong approach.

Sometimes taking time to do something else is more productive than just trial-and-error (wish I actually did that last week). That way, your mind gets a rest, you don’t become so bitter about everything and you get to enjoy a bit of your time. And eventually, you’ll find the answer. Between two paths – one with multiple hurdles and one with multiple rest stops, it just doesn’t make sense to torture yourself. Well, unless you’re masochistic or something.

When I do solve a problem, that feeling is often short-lived. It sometimes feels as if I didn’t do it at all, a.k.a Imposter Syndrome. When things go wrong, I have a hard time of putting them down. It may be the odd perfectionist streak returning or maybe I’m just stubborn. Who knows?

So what comes of this? I would only teach my children to be good and kind. To be the best version of themselves they can be.

I know you all probably don’t want some cheese for dinner but, just do your best.

P.S. It’s been a year since I’ve been with WordPress. Time sure flies.

Public Enemy #1: Self-Improvement

I had forgotten how many people hated me until the late Winston Churchill reminded me.

Everybody talks about making friends, but whenever I do, it seems that I make at least one or more enemies. Every single time. By having any values or morals, you create a distance between you and other people. Distance – I’ve found, is good. Every time my friends or family stand up for me, they make enemies for the sake of me. Strangers that have stood up for anyone risk being ridiculed or scorned by others whose values don’t align. Sometimes it also means leaving people that affect you negatively and calling your loved ones out when they do something wrong. But hey, if they truly respect you, they’ll come back. They may hate you for awhile, but Arnold Schwarzenegger was always true to his word.

Definitely risky business.

But that goes to say that anything that’s worthwhile is hard. Yes, you may have talent. You may have lots of money. But without actually applying yourself, you haven’t really done anything. You know who are the only kinds of people who don’t seem to make mistakes? People that do nothing. Zip. Nada. And that in itself, ironically is the biggest mistake that you can make. There is a fine line in patience and waiting to make the right move and there’s just procrastinating.

Winning the lottery is just as hard (if not harder) than good old-fashioned hard work. The odds are always against you, at least a million to one. Selling your body (some people call it renting) or dealing drugs is fast money, but it isn’t easy money. This is where misconceptions start to build. It’s not exactly smart to trade in your health and safety if you’re no longer alive or well enough to enjoy life. I don’t know about you, but who wants to live in constant fear of being murdered? But they’re prostitutes. That, they may be. Just as that almighty famous quote from Batman Begins:

“It’s not who you are underneath, it’s what you do that defines you.”

Well, to the naked eye, perhaps. But then how much do we see what everyone does? We all eat, we breathe, we bleed. But would we really call ourselves bleeding-breathing-eaters? And we have to remember that we are very much responsible for the predicaments that they’re in. One of my very good friends since I’ve known since my freshmen year of high school asked me at university one day, “What if there was no prostitution?” I just couldn’t imagine it. I said, “There can’t be. There can never be one. There’s just too much demand for it.” 

Though we may not directly contribute to the situation, turning a blind eye certainly doesn’t help. It just enables the problem to carry on, like a cancer to eat away at the flesh.

I know that I’ve turned a blind eye more than a couple of times in my life and every time I’ve been ridden with guilt. Now I can’t do anything about those things now. But I can change what I do now. I can choose to make a stand.

Just like this blog, my writing, with everything I do – I’m a work in progress. What about you?

Mindlessness Mindfulness

Real cities are made to be colored in.

Because my vocabulary appears to be shrinking and my creativity waning, I’ve decided to take a stand.

I’m going to play adult for just a little while.

Like.. omigod… where do I even start? Umm…uh…like you know…I don’t get it.

I’ll be filling in the blanks with my coloring pencils and felt tips I’ve accumulated during my stationery craze days. I’ve been doing some writing offline and my ideas just seem so absurd. Ludicrous, even. And I’m supposed to be the queen of nonsensical poetry.

It also feels like my personality’s been watered down. I definitely was a lot more passionate about everything back then. Now my thoughts are marred by specks of nihilism. by My teenaged self would be so mad right now. But then again, she’d also be distracted by the pretty colors on the coloring book.